4/6/07 The year is turning to an end. Well, that might be wishful thinking, since we are only in April, but on we go, and time (at times) seems to go so fast.. Lately, I have been experiencing all the symptoms of mental/emotional burnout: psuedopsychotic thoughts, feeling of being spread out to the thinnest, internal tension, irritability, low tolerance for patients/clients problems, inability to be a good listener, and the worse: projecting my stress onto others, and responding to it, usually in a negative way. What a difference form the blog just below, where I preached good self-care. Where has my total health approach disappeared?

I saw a bumper sticker at a store, that said: "I ran out of sick hours, so I called in dead". This apply so much to what I am feeling. It applies so much to the American lifestyle, the pressure one feels while attempting to find the right professional path, having to think about post-doc when you are not even a doc, and, for me, the terrible indecision of not knowing where money will be coming in from next year, and the split of wanting to be at home in Italy and here at the same time, and knowing not what to do. Follow your heart? Fly to Italy. Be reasonable, weight options, plan intelligently? Stay here and do the post-doc; which, though, begins in September and that does not, I repeat, does not, seat well with me.

What about vacations? Time for a little R&R, to replenish, to find yourself again? Yes because I am lost, folks. I am lost again. Lost in other people's psyches, in debts and bills, in trips to the Bay and back and then back again, with the gas at over 3 dollars a gallon, and a car with an unconformable seat which is breaking my back, no matter how many pillows I try to adjust it with. Lost in paperwork that will never be completed, in the awful tension of the Friday meeting, lost among bad and badly eaten meals, of being constantly in a hurry, and under the uncountable pressures of a demanding job, paid the beauty of 5000 dollars per year, at a place where the patients seem, at times, to be the healthiest persons present. Where to do a group with chronically ill people, actively symptomatic, seems so much more relaxed than stay in the staff room and breathe in the collective stress.. Madonna, c'e' da preoccuparsi.

Boy, it's good to let things out. But now I better stop with catastrophes. Well aware of the power of our thoughts, I will use my mental energy to see the half full part of the glass. Wow, 5000 dollars a year! That is so much better than 0 dollars per year! And what about the student loan money generously lent by the government, and exceptionally handled by my school which excels in making sure that every possible imaginable applicable fee is taken out, before they reach your account! Rosa! Your are doing it again! We are in the positive part of the blog now! C'mon, isn't this what you do with your families? "I would like to hear each of you talking about yourselves and your issues from a first person perspective, without attacking or blaming anybody else.." Have a taste of your own clinical cleverness! Not easy, eh? Okay, now I talk to myself and write back too, hey, alright!

Okay, okay, okay..... Obviously I need a vacation. I am off today, to begin. We shall see if I can carry on until May, when I should have a week off, or things will be such that I will have to take it sooner. We shall see how the week-end goes. I have good feelings about it. If I can write this, I must be getting better. Rosa is on her way back to great mental and physical health, not to be stopped by anything or anybody. I have all the week-end to decide whether I will want to attend my post-doc interview at Kaiser Oakland, and two full weeks to decide about the one at Santa Clara Valley Medical Center in San Jose'. Nobody is forcing me to do anything. No one. I am in complete control of my life. I can make my life as I please. I choose to make it beautiful, exciting, meaningful, entertaining, restful and fulfilling.

And....... Fun....

Balliamo, con il vento e con i fiori

My peace is shared peace.
I am weightless and free of burden.
My vital energy resurfaces naturally.
I embrace life in its absolute fullness.
I find my path following my inclinations.
I have great joy, and therefore great energy.
I love those around me as I would love my own child.